Award shows that share a term with something you can call your grandma should be ignored anyhow

The most savage, angry, bloodthirsty, evil, menacing, murderous metal band of our time.

So the Grammy Awards are still around. I know. I’m shocked, too. I hear they had big blowout concert tonight for the nomination show. That’s like having a football game at the NFL Draft. But what are you going to do? I’m not going to watch these shenanigans anyway.

But each year we get the hilarious metal award nominees, now known as the hard rock/metal category because the people responsible for picking the bands probably think that metal’s a dying genre, and this year’s is no less hysterical than every other year. Now, sadly, we didn’t get a perverse nomination for Metallica, Motorhead, Ministry or some Black Sabbath song just because the band slithered out and did a version of a 40-year-old tune live. That’ll be next year. Instead, we got two bands that really belong elsewhere because they do not fit the parameters at all, but hey, the fossils who pick these bands have heard of them. Then we get three these folks either have heard of or know because the groups are on the grandkids’ Christmas lists. Here we go. So excited, right?

• “On the Backs of Angels,” Dream Theater
• “White Limo,” Foo Fighters
• “Curl of the Burl,” Mastodon
• “Public Enemy No. 1,” Megadeth
• “Blood in My Eyes,” Sum 41

I know. Sum 41’s still a band?! Maybe they aren’t. Who knows? These are the Grammy Awards, after all. I guess they saw the word “blood” and thought it was so, so dangerously metal. Foo Fighters should just get lumped in with all the mainstream categories because, no disrespect, they’re basically an edgy pop band. But they’ll probably take home this year’s “metal” award, and Dave Grohl likely will feel stupid about it since he’s actually a metalhead. Actually, Foo Fighters are nominated in every category containing the word “rock,” including the Finest Field Recording of a Moon Rock slot. Someone’s going to feel dumb tomorrow. If the new FF album was blank, it still would get nominated. If I had to make the call, I don’t know what I’d do. Mastodon, I guess? Who cares?

I know there are millions of great metal records and songs that should get the nod for nomination. But the people behind this farce don’t even know they exist. Nor will they ever. So do as I do and miss the show and just laugh at the results the next day.

Also, want to thank everyone who stopped by for the Cormorant review. It was one of most-read first-day stories in our history. That thing just blew up. Good. Go buy the album.

Here's a furious wolf to counteract that garbage photo above.