April 12, 2016 by Brian Krasman - 0 comments

Hemotoxin spread progressive ideas, playing into their death mix on ‘Biological Enslavement’

I like to think I do an OK job in the kitchen, especially if I’m armed with a trusty, well-compiled cookbook. But recipes blow my mind. I’m never not astonished at how someone at some point figured out all of these ingredients to put together to make a loaf of bread, or a cake, or a beer.

Thankfully some really smart people figured all of that out for us. Thanks, smart bakery and concoction people. I also am dumbfounded sometimes when I hear bands that take all kinds of different elements and boil them together to create mind-melting metal. That’s what went through my head when hearing “Biological Enslavement,” the seconds record from Hemotoxin. Already, two albums into their run, they come across as incredibly accomplished and smart, a band playing ahead of themselves. If you’re into groups including Megadeth (think “Rust in Peace” era), Atheist, Death, Cynic, and modern maulers Horrendous, you’re likely to unearth a ton to enjoy about these guys.

This California-based death-and-thrash amalgamation have been around for six years now, putting out some demos and an EP before their debut full-length before “Between Forever … and the End” landed in 2013 (not surprisingly, it contains a cover of Death’s “Suicide Machine”). Now on this second album, the band—vocalist/guitarist Michael Chavez, lead guitarist Michael Rowher, bassist Nathan Fruth, drummer Brandon Wilcox—show growth in leaps and bounds. This is a group that certainly has its chops down, but they never bog you down with their technicality. The band plays with heart and passion, and they’d have been right at home playing alongside the artists who paved the path for them.

This nine track, 35-minute killer gets going with “Decadence,” a song that blasts you with techy punches right off the bat, with punchy playing and the harrowing warning of, “Last chance to evacuate Earth before it is recycled,” making you think of alien environmental holocaust. “Regression” follows, treading the same path, as harsh vocals strike, guitars explore the environment, and spacious soloing grabs your imagination and sends it into the face of a monster. “Minus Human” has guitars bursting before everything suddenly calms and goes into a jazzy section. Chavez pokes, “Are you human or just a recreation?” while the band rips into a thrashy assault that continues to speed up until it explodes at the end. “Not of This World” has a splattering opening, as the band begins to unload, with maniacal vocals creating wounds, a speedily spat chorus adding insult to your pain, and the soloing just going off.

“Forgotten Faces” is tricky and mucky at first, the band trudging through the mud, and the vocals coming in as gruff shouts. Guitars spill all over the place, making a big mess, and the leads take charge and blast into the messages lambasting the leaders of the world for valuing profit over humanity. “The Alchemist” takes some pretty cool twists, opening clean and dark and then taking an adventurous turn. The vocals continue to scrape, while the guitars swelter and burn. “Bleak Prognosis” has a foggy start, situating itself deep in the murk before the band starts to shred hard. Despite the title, the song pushes a hopeful agenda of expanded thinking and progress, with Chavez wailing, “New life spawns a new breed,” as strong soloing takes hold, and the track hits a raspy finish. “A Journey Through Dreams” is an instrumental with a proggy opening, tricky playing and a cold front blowing in. Every element starts to blaze with raging power, spiraling out and setting the stage for closer “Transparent Eyes.” A fiery start takes hold, with the band chugging away, and the vocals causing bruises. Exploratory soloing sends you through the cosmos and back, as the band packs energy and madness into the song’s last moments.

Hemotoxin are an impressive band that have all the potential in the world to be one of the most interesting, creative groups moving metal forward. “Biological Enslavement” is a heavy, accomplished, fun record that drags you through the darkness and chaos. It should warm the hearts of like-minded musicians in their company and put a smile on the faces of those who relish honest, well-played metal. It’s scary to think that these guys really are just at their beginning.

For more on the band, go here: https://www.facebook.com/Hemotoxin

To buy the album, go here: http://www.unspeakableaxerecords.com/purchase/

For more on the label, go here: http://www.unspeakableaxerecords.com/

April 8, 2016 by Brian Krasman - 1 Comment

PICK OF THE WEEK: ‘The Ladder’ shows Palace of Worms’ dark creativity is climbing upward

Unbeknownst to me before starting to write this, we’re in the middle of a theme week. Bands and artists that have taken sounds and expanded them beyond normal boundaries have made up our coverage this week. We cap off with a new record from a project that’s long haunted us and continues to do so with a stunning new record we knew would be a pick of the week since taking a first listen.

Palace of Worms, the project of multi-instrumentalist Balan, never has been a conventional vessel. Ever since the project got started nearly a decade ago, and upon the release of the first album “The Forgotten,” Balan has pushed himself to see exactly what his art has to offer. Steadfastly grounded in black metal, there is plenty more that he offers in his work and on the stunning third Palace of Worms record “The Ladder” (out on Broken Limbs). You’ve probably read a little about this album, maybe even heard the whole thing streaming, and it’s one of those that justifies the ocean of credit it’s receiving. It’s heavy, heart-crushing, captivating, dark, and gorgeous all at the same time, a true accomplishment for an artist and band already highly regarded for out-of-the box thinking and creating.

On “The Ladder,” we get seven tracks spread out over 46:30, a well-portioned assault that fills your needs but also leaves a little room for you wanting more. Balan has a few guests on this record, fellow members of the Bay Area music scene, with Bezaelith (Lotus Thief) adding backing vocals on two tracks; Ephemeral Domignostika (Mastery, Pale Chalice) offering soloing on two cuts; and Mattia Alagna (Abstracter, Atrament) providing vocals/lyrics on “Wreathe.” Their contributions are mighty, but Balan’s vision ultimately is what’s on display here, and it is constantly stimulating and unpredictable as it plays out. He’s one of the most gifted creators in the black metal scene, something he proves again here.

“In the Twilight Divide” opens the record with some classical-style guitars traipsing over the chaos before strong melodies and a cold breeze bust through. Balan roars with a fury before serenity lands, with Bezaelith lending her vocal melodies to the texture. The track bleeds heavily again moments later, with Balan, practically kicking himself, wailing, “Kidding myself to feel again,” as the track rambles over pain and regret. “From the Ash” bursts open, rupturing veins and trickling into gothic melodies. The track is fierce and gazey, with some psychedelic moments worked into the mix, speaking under the din, with Domignostika’s guitars lighting the night on fire. “Nightworld” starts flooding, with a dark, doomy atmosphere taking hold, deep growls carving away, and a slow-driving pace leaving marks. The guitars start to chill, as the pace kicks up, feeling slightly rock-oriented with Balan poking, “Cannot escape you, cannot reason with you.” Bezaelith’s haunting calls then return before the song folds into darkness. “An Innate Sickness” is a dream-inducing interlude complete with murky synth, eerie sounds swirling, and an intense fog bringing on the strangeness.

“Strange Constellations” runs a lofty 12:13, slipping into a dizzying melody that glides through liquid, sounding quiet and calm for the first minutes. Then the guitars cut things open, with the drums rolling hard, and monstrous growls delivering blows. “The stage is set for annihilation!” Balan howls, as a crazed solo rips out of nowhere, again courtesy of Domignostika, before slipping back under the shadows again, as the pace calms and sends off waves. Whispers rumble before the song ruptures again, delivering carnage while the playing gets warbly, and things end in the weird. “Wreathe” is a very different song, with Alagna driving the vocals, singing above the psychedelic guitars and post-rock gothiness. Balan’s cries eventually can be heard in the background right before the song slips away. This is a pretty refreshing change of pace and another side of the band’s personality. Closer “Ephemeral Blues” is a nice summation of everything we’ve heard to this point, with black metal-style melodies running and the tempo chugging dangerously. The growls are pointed and grim, with the scars of, “Say goodbye to this unfortunate life,” letting the negativity and sadness soak in, as the final moments are immersed in corrosion.

“The Ladder” is a huge leap ahead for Palace of Worms, a record that should punish and mesmerize at the same time. Palace of Worms absolutely shine on this third full-length effort, and their might and will to dream keep the artistic juices flowing, and the listener’s imagination taking each leap and bound with the music. This is Balan’s finest hour.

For more on the band, go here: https://www.facebook.com/tattooedinworms/

To buy the album, go here: http://www.brokenlimbsrecordings.net/#!store/azhdm/products/blr076-palace-of-worms-the-ladder-lp

For more on the label, go here: http://brokenlimbsrecordings.net/

April 7, 2016 by Brian Krasman - 0 comments

Icelandic explorers Zhrine pour space-age magic into their fiery puzzle on strong debut record

I wonder if there is metal on other planets. We can’t be the only civilization that revels in our own darkness and morbid wonders about the darkest matters in life. I only can imagine what alien beings could add to extreme metal, and perhaps we now have something that’s kind of close.

Hailing from Iceland come Zhrine, a band that’s been doing their thing in various forms for years now but have just hit on something with their debut record “Unortheta.” What we have here is a record that informs metal and death quite differently from most other bands and seems to dump cosmic winds into their work, almost as if they were sent here from another planet. It’s tough to really pinpoint exactly what the band presents here, and using “death metal” only scratches at a few of the sparks that find us. Their music basks in atmosphere and deep pockets of oxygen, a vast difference from many other bands that seem intent on choking you with soot. This goes other places and spills dreams into their cauldron.

The band has been together for some time, starting off as brutal death unit Gone Postal, who put out one record in 2008. As their tastes and influences changed, so did their band. They took on the name Shrine in 2014, now morphing into the Zhrine moniker. The group—Þorbjörn Steingrímsson on guitars/vocals, Nökkvi Gylfason on guitars, Ævar Örn Sigurðsson on bass, and Stefán Ari Stefánsson on drums—creates a record that not only is heavy and brutal, but also incredibly listenable and spacious. It feels different every time you listen, and it makes the band another fresh entry into the world making metal exciting again.

“Utopian Warfare” gets things started with clean guitars drizzling, leading into thundering and atmospheric haze. The heat builds with melodies arriving and the storm bursting open. Deep, wrenching growls enter the mix, while the band dizzies you as things move along, with each part lapping and the track slowly slipping away. “Spewing Gloom” rips apart right away, with deep growls bruising and tricky trudging rattling your brain. The track simmers and gives off steam, with the song bleeding out, and noise creating a thick cloud. “The Syringe Dance” combusts from the start, with shrieked vocals adding a deadly element, and the track taking a strange progressive turn. The song continues its churning, with beastly growls bruising, ripped apart by gaping shrieks, and noise rises up at the end of the track and wafts out. “World” starts with strings jangling and cold guitars emerging. The pace takes a slow burn, later to erupt into crushing deathrock undertones. The track eventually rips apart, with doomy smothering taking hold and blending into the next piece.

“Empire” simmers in moodiness before death riffs strike, and the band trudges forward heavily. The band keeps smearing, punishing, with the track lurching, deep, dangerous growls slicing through, and a heavy dose of noise spiraling into clean guitar work. That all slides into “The Earth Inhaled,” which sounds like it crashes out of a blast furnace. The assault sounds both grimy and airy, with harsh, shrieked vocals splitting the Earth, and the music later hypnotizing. Punches also are thrown amid this, with the track building and landing blows, and the sound spilling out and into the bashing title cut. Clean guitars set the mood early, letting serenity take hold before the track tears itself apart. The band pounds in place, unleashing an unmovable assault that’s also dressed with fearsome shrieks, and music that hits a dangerous boil. The song disorients as the track reaches its finish, with growls surging, their dream-inducing mission finding its destination, and the chaos fading away into the void.

Zhrine’s debut is a damn good one and a great find for Season of Mist and their already stellar roster. These guys further polish the shine on the Icelandic metal scene and provide new twists and turns for the often static death and black metal forms. This band is refreshing, smothering, and totally willing to take your mind beyond normalcy.

For more on the band, go here: https://www.facebook.com/zhrineofficial/

To buy the album, go here: http://shopusa.season-of-mist.com/

Or here: http://shop.season-of-mist.com/

For more on the label, go here: http://www.season-of-mist.com/

April 6, 2016 by Brian Krasman - 0 comments

UK black metal maulers Wode mix dark creativity with sooty, smothering heaviness on debut

There’s an ever flowing stream of pessimism that often babbles underneath the writings here, because we are, inherently, kind of negative. Not to be a jerk or anything. It’s just sort of how things are. But that isn’t a constant thing as sometimes music and bands give us hope and a reason to think metal can keep growing and developing.

One huge beacon for hope is UK-based black metal squad Wode, whose debut self-titled record revitalizes our more positive side and makes us embrace the idea that we can, in fact, move forward. It feels weird to be filled with the power of positivity when dealing with a band whose sound swells with darkness and can make even the most creative things sound awash in pure death. On this record, the band drives six tracks over nearly 48 minutes, with each song a challenging length but never skimping on the power, imagination, and nightmarish vision that makes this band so good and also promising as to what their future holds.

Wode formed six years ago, based in Manchester and looking to do work that combines filth with visceral wonder. They bludgeon you hard and heavily no doubt, but their compositions also get your blood flowing and the synapses sparking within your brain. The band—M. Czerwoniuk (guitar and vocals), T. Horrocks (drums, guitar, and additional vocals), and E. Troup (bass)—bristle with energy and power, adding emotion and metallic sharpness to their work that always leaves your mind wandering, your head spinning. Their work is just damn impressive, and I almost want to shut up and tell you to just go listen to this thing already. But, alas, we have a job to do here.

“Death’s Edifice” starts the record with eerie noises and clean guitars before opening its gates for sprawling riffs, fluid black metal melodies, and harsh growls. The vocals begin to scrape along the way, while the tempo charges hard, heading into a patch of swirling melodies, violent eruptions that happen to be damn catchy, and a thunderous assault that drives up dust toward its finish. “Trails of Smoke” is built on speedy riffs, a crunching tempo, and a steamrolling assault, with the band finding great fire behind their playing. The path remains fast and frightening, with death bubbling out of every corner, and a really thrashing chorus that sticks out and jabs you. “Cloaked in Ruin” bathes in feedback before morbid-sounding guitars make their way in, and the song ignites. The growls are vicious and smothering, with riffs rising out of the ashes, and the band stampeding. The back end of the song goes mournful, with the final moments burning away.

“Spectral Sun” tears open, with the drums blistering, riffs piling on top of each other, and the growls punishing. Thick melodies rain down, as the mood turns toward a dark thunderstorm, and the track keeps getting uglier. Later on, the leads sprawl, melodies twist, and the final touches of manic fury leave their bruising. “Plagues of Insomnia” takes its time to unfurl, with the track situating into a middle tempo, mashing away at the same time. The vocals are harsh and throat mangling, while the band builds the scathing drama, and all elements fold into each other. Cold and clean playing is worked in, while soloing snakes through the cut, with guitars spilling down for a devastating finish. Closer “Black Belief” blows down the gates, with horrifying growls chilling your blood and the band hitting full throttle. Melodies flutter through this thing, with some freezing clean playing making its way into the mix, thrashy power setting in, and the band luring you into hypnosis. As you feel your eyelids getting heavier, the band keeps punching away until consciousness no longer is under your control.

Wode’s style and tenacity should take them a long way, as should their creativity. This self-titled debut is one of the most interesting first shots of the year, a true bright spot in what’s all too often a dim black metal kingdom. As Wode find their way through the world, they’re bound to damage flesh and hearing, pain we’ll be all too happy to sustain.

For more on the band, go here: https://www.facebook.com/Wodecult/

To buy the album, go here: http://www.brokenlimbsrecordings.net/#!store/azhdm/collections/new-releases/1

For more on the label, go here: http://www.brokenlimbsrecordings.net/

April 5, 2016 by Brian Krasman - 0 comments

Black Mountain mix comic keys into smoldering doom rock on raucously fun, exploratory ‘IV’

Photo by Magdalena Wosinska

There’s a lot of music that transcends heavy metal. Or flows into it. Actually, both things work. I’ve struggled at times figuring out what music I want to feature here, and now and again I face that dilemma of whether something belongs on a metal site. Well, consider this the year we ignore those boundaries.

There is a lot of music out there that might not fit under the metal umbrella in a record store or in someone’s heads, but that’s not our problem. Because of that, we’re discussing “IV,” the unbelievably fun new record from Canadian doom rockers Black Mountain, an album that can find favor among metal fans who are insatiably addicted to Sabbath, but also a band such as Zombi. See, on this, their fourth record, the band extends beyond our atmosphere and rockets to the stars, drizzling their music with blippy, spacey synth, and keeping things loose and fun. There are three cuts that go beyond the eight-minute mark on this 10-track album, and those are the ones that make the drone and ambiance cells within your body ignite with energy.

Black Mountain have been out doing their thing for 12 years now. They released their self-titled debut record in 2005, and from its success, they landed a tour opening for … Coldplay. Yeah, that’s the first time Coldplay ever has been mentioned on this site. Having witnessed that tour, I can say with no bias that Black Mountain ruled the day (at least here in Pittsburgh), and from there, they continued their assault. “In the Future” showed up in 2008, with “Wilderness Heart” arriving two years later, and now it’s been six years since we last got a full-length from the band—guitarist/vocalist Stephen McBean (also of Pink Mountaintops), vocalist Amber Webber (also of Lightning Dust), bassist Colin Cowan, keyboardist Jeremy Schmidt, and drummer/keyboardist Joshua Wells. Black Mountain also have released some EPs and the 2012 “Year Zero” soundtrack, but here is where they truly excel.

“Mother of the Sun” starts the record, an 8:34-long boiler that begins with synth pumps, noise slowly sliding in, and Webber and McBean trading vocals, with the latter urging, “Let’s come together upon heaven’s ground.” There are psychedelically buzzing guitars, a great dose of soloing, and a key sheen that takes the song out. “Florian Saucer Attack” is a super fun one, with Webber wailing with authority over Cars-ish synth and the group chanting out, “Zero, one, data, one, two, one, two,” on the chorus. “Defector” brings things down into mid-tempo, with spacey keys blurting, an easier pace settling, and call of, “I want to be a defector,” punching into the UFO mission. “You Can Dream” settles into key blips, warm guitars, and the repeated invitation of, “Come on, baby, dream,” rattling around in your head all day long. The song is both freeing and defiant, especially when McBean demands, “Learn to kick when they tell you to cry.” “Constellations” sounds like a punchy ’80s rocker, with edgy riffs, more thick synth, and Webber wailing, “Don’t get outta your head while we’re off losing our minds.” Really fun.

“Line Them Up” changes the pace, with acoustics rising, and a gentler tone taking hold, with Webber’s dreamy vocals leading the way. It’s the ideally placed spot where you can catch your breath, and it gets you ready for “Cemetery Breeding,” the poppiest song on the record, and arguably the best. McBean handles this one, breeding death amid his longing, with him darkly noting, “When you looked in my eyes, I was dreaming of suicide.” The chorus will stick in your head for days and days. “(Over and Over) The Chain” runs 8:49, with a long haze stretching over the front end, cosmic keys trickling in, and hypnotic singing that massages your brain. Keys glimmer while guitars melt over everything, and the final moments swim amongst the planets and moon, giving off an eerie edge. “Crucify Me” also is built on acoustics, a slower song that again brings your heart rate back down, with McBean’s line of, “Stuck a needle in my eye, wondering if you could be my love,” giving off the proper amount of pain with the serenity. The 9:05-long closer “Space to Bakersfield” gives you everything you need to know right from the title. Keys simmer in psyche soup, with McBean singing and the track taking its time burning its connection. “Are you listening?” is repeated on loop, a question of awareness amid this long, extended rocket ship jam session that lets your mind tingle and wander beyond your own boundaries.

Loud and raucous, chilled out and cosmic, Black Mountain meld the heavy and serene together like few others. They have a loud hippie charm to what they do, but you also could sense they crave to explore beyond this realm on “IV.” This record finds Black Mountain staying true to their roots, but also refusing to paint by numbers or deny their exploratory whims.

For more on the band, go here: http://www.blackmountainarmy.com/

To buy the album, go here: https://blackmountain.merchtable.com/

For more on the label, go here: http://jagjaguwar.com

April 1, 2016 by Brian Krasman - 0 comments

Meat Mead Metal’s Wrestlemania panel picks all of the winners, losers, peeing/drink/pizza times

Make no mistake, this is a metal site heavily informed by pro wrestling. It’s all there. I don’t expect that everyone who reads this site has taken note of wrestling history anecdotes that get worked into reviews, the use of power moves to describe crushing riffs, or any strange note I decide to add for no other reason than to entertain myself. That actually makes sense with today’s special feature.

Sunday is Wrestlemania 32, the annual ritual of wrestling fans gathering and watching a 175-hour show over too many beers and pizza. After kicking off March 31, 1985, Wrestlemania has become the spring gathering point where all the biggest stars in the WWE come together and hold their big blowout event. Stories are supposed to begin and end there, major matches are to take place, and huge feuds come to a massive conclusion. Too bad this year’s event doesn’t hold much of that. Not all WWE’s fault. They’ve suffered a legendary rash of injuries that completely undid a card they had built months ago, and they’ve had to scramble to put together a whole new lineup. It didn’t always go well. Neither has the build to this show. But no matter. We’re wrestling fans through the highs and lows, and come Sunday, most of us will be pretty pumped (as will be the 234,798 WWE announces as in attendance at Dallas’ AT&T Stadium).

There are a whole slew of people from the metal world who also love wrestling. I’ve had myriad conversations with people over the years about wrestling, be that over social media during an event, or just while hanging out over beverages. This year, we assembled a few folks from the metal industry to talk about their relationships with wrestling and to weigh in on the matches this weekend. So I’ll shut up and introduce you to our panel:

Peter Browne: Owner of the awesome Broken Limbs Recordings, who are about to put out a massive one-two punch of records from Wode and Palace of Worms, and who have released great stuff from Immortal Bird, Cara Neir, Ramlord, and more.

Vinny Karpuszka: If you’re into brutal and/or technical death metal, Vinny has you covered. He’s one the driving forces behind Willowtip Records, based near Pittsburgh. Over the years, the label has put out record from bands as varied as Gigan, Circle of Dead Children, Dim Mak, Magrudergrind, and a ton more.

John Kerr: Multi-instrumentalist and appreciator of many beers, Kerr will unleash his debut Marsh Dweller album this coming summer (on Eihwaz/Bindrune Recordings). He also is a member of Vit, Noltem (EP out on Northern Silence), and Seidr, as well as being obsessed with calling people “soft bitches.”

Sam Panico: Sam has heavy involvement in both the wrestling and metal camps. He has wrestled as Shirley Doe for years now both here in Pittsburgh and around the country and world (he’s worked in Japan, you jerks) and now front doom maulers CANT, whose 2015 Demo is out on Ancient Future.

John Pettibone: John’s been pounding out heavy sounds for years now, and he’s currently fronting the massive Heiress, who just released their great third record “Made Wrong” (on The Mylene Sheath) that we just loved. He’s also bruised hearing with Himsa and Undertow.

What first got you interested in pro wrestling? What were your first experiences?

Browne: I’m from a small area back home (Ireland), and to see these larger-than-life characters doing these colossal things was mesmerizing. My brother used to go next door to my uncle’s house because he had the sports channel, and he’d stay up all night watching it. I remember my brother going over, videotaping it, and then re-watching it with me the next day. I can’t specifically remember my first instance of wrestling, but I hold the memories of my uncle’s house and being able to watch it there very fondly.

Karpuszka: I was probably 3 or 4 years old when I saw my first pro wrestling match. More than likely my dad taped it off of TV for me to watch. It was a steel cage match, back when WWF used the blue steel cage instead of the chain-link they use now. I think it was Hulk Hogan vs King Kong Bundy, but I could be wrong. I remember at the time that there were a bunch of people in our living room watching it, and everyone was hootin’ and hollerin’ over the action. That’s what got me into it. As time went on, my dad would tape the various pay-per-views for me to watch, and THAT is how I saw some classic early ’90s matches: Bret Hart vs Roddy Piper for the IC title, Big Boss Man vs The Mountie where the loser spent the night in jail, Hogan vs Warrior, and on and on.

Kerr: Nintendo 64. I used to go to my cousin’s house a lot during the summer, and we’d inevitably play No Mercy for hours on end. Then we’d beg my aunt to let us watch PPVs. I actually wasn’t totally into wrestling itself but was more of a breast-obsessed pubescent preteen that wanted to stare at girls. I used to have a cut-out of a lingerie ad in my pocket because this was the age of text-based internet and scrambled porn. Professional wrestling was the closest thing I got to knowing what a boob felt like.

Panico: My brother and I weren’t allowed to watch wrestling but watched it anyways. The first match I can remember was the Strongbows versus Mr. Fuji/Mr. Saito for the tag team titles, where the Japanese team took the belts back. We watched it for 2-3 years covertly, then finally my whole family started watching it in 1980, a few years before the Rock & Wrestling boom.

John Pettibone: My dad has been in the cable television business since 1970, so my entire childhood we had extended cable in our house and I remember a Saturday morning turning on a channel showing NWA and was instantly hooked. Funk vs Rhodes – lots of color and carnage. Then comes along Flair and flips the game.

What do you think of the modern state of wrestling? Is it as exciting for you now as it’s ever been? Is it not? Please explain.

Browne: It’s in pretty poor shape. At times it’s as exciting as the old days, but it’s few and far between. NXT does live up to the hype, and I hope they don’t blur the lines between the to rosters since they’ve been bringing up new wrestlers quite frequently. There are a lot of great athletic guys and girls who haven’t been able to shine, mostly because of some executive slight or personal issues. Natalya has been torn down, Cody Rhodes lost his momentum, Cesaro and Ziggler are a given. There should be some negotiating with Barrett. He’s a keeper, and he was really starting to have fun in his Bad News Barrett role, just like Big E is having a blast in the New Day.

Karpuszka: I think it’s in a good spot and it has the potential to better. There’s something out there for every level of fan. I mean, you have WWE, which caters to casual and kid fans but can also entertain the hardcore fan from time to time. TNA does that on a smaller level, I guess. Then you have Ring of Honor and New Japan Pro Wrestling , which are both WAY more about wrestling and the in-ring action. I can’t forget to mention Pro Wrestling Guerilla as well, and there are a whole bunch of other indy promotions out there too.

But it all pales in comparison to what was going on in the mid ’90s through the early 2000s. I was a teenager when the Monday Night War and the Attitude Era was at its peak, and in my opinion, pro wrestling will most likely never reach that level of awesomeness ever again.

Kerr: So after I found out what boobs feel like, I genuinely started to enjoy pro wrestling. HOWEVER, I dropped back from it for a while during the canonical “it’s all fake anyway” phase because humans naturally long to feel like we’re above something. I honestly didn’t *really* get back into it until last year’s Wrestlemania. I was living in a house with Nate and Zack from Vit, and we decided to all get drunk on a Sunday and watch some wrestling. The RKO, Rusev’s tank, Slimey Seth. After all that shit, I remember thinking, “Oh yeah, THIS is why wrestling is cool”.

HAVING SAID THAT. Raw is boring as fuck and shouldn’t be three hours long. I don’t give a shit about 99% of matches. NXT is cool because there’s no bullshit filler. Lucha Underground is cool as shit. Kayfabe News is so great that it justifies how shitty the WWE is.

Panico: It’s both the least I’ve ever cared and the most I’ve ever cared. I watched the Aztec Warfare episode of Lucha Underground Saturday and cared enough about the Dragon Lee vs. Kamataichi series to send it to a bunch of people. I’ve been wrestling since 1995 and still wrestle every 2 weeks or so, so I must love it on some level. Eddy Guerrero said to me once, “Your friends, your family, your woman, they can all fuck you over. But wrestling will always love you.” I guess he was right, but it’s getting real close, dude.

John Pettibone: I absolutely love it! With the slow burn and rise of the indies the last 15 years, the product is so exciting! At times I can’t keep up. Being able to witness so much incredible talent grow and now excel at the top of chain has been mind blowing! Also, the comparisons to being in a touring band makes me feel a kinship to the struggles and strides they face daily.

What are you most looking forward to Wrestlemania weekend?

Browne: The buildup on the WWE network, social media buzz, etc. Twitter is fantastic when you keep up with the hashtags; there are some real gems on there. Wrestlemania is also an opportunity for the dark horses to emerge, and that’s something no publication or expert can predict. Surprise guests are always fun.

Karpuszka: The debut of Shinsuke Nakamura. He’s one of my favorite wrestlers right now, and I couldn’t believe it when he signed with WWE. I love the “strong style” he uses, and he’s a really charismatic guy. He and Zayn should put on one hell of a match at the NXT event.

Kerr: Watching Brian drink too many Palo Santos and yell at a TV screen that can’t understand him.

Panico: Hanging out with the same people I’ve watched it with for 20 some years. It’s like the Super Bowl – more of a get-together than matches I actually give a shit about.

John Pettibone: The King of Strong Style!!! (EDITOR’S NOTE: Fuck and yes. The debut of Shinsuke Nakamura at NXT Takeover Dallas!)

Undertaker vs. Shane McMahon:

Browne: Undertaker. He’s too protected to lose twice, especially to someone who isn’t Brock Lesnar. However, I’m sure there will be some interference or something shady going on so both guys come out looking strong. With Shane’s very real and successful business ventures, is it feasible for him to actually have time to appear on Raw every Monday? I kind of hope so.

Karpuszka: This is such a strange match-up. I’m looking forward to it, but I keep thinking, WTF? Shane McMahon vs Undertaker in a Hell in a Cell? Really? After some crazy and possibly botched spots, I think Shane wins to keep the storyline moving.

Kerr: I really hope the Undertaker retires after this. He’s like 5,000 years old, and I can’t imagine him beating up anyone. Which is why I think professional wrestling, if not just the WWE, should bring back a tragically underutilized gimmick: SUPER POWERS. Have the Undertaker literally kill Shane and then bring him back to life or something. Fuck it. As long as big-ass stunts are still involved, it doesn’t matter how realistic any of this stuff is. Do you really believe a dude is getting punched just because they stomp on the mat to make a comical Batman-esque pow sound? You might as well go all the way.

Panico: This is why wrestling today sucks. You need an archetype and an insight for a feud to reach people’s hearts. Stone Cold vs. McMahon worked because we all hate our boss, and we all wish we could kick his ass when he fucks us over. This match is an undead MMA biker locker room leader versus the son of a billionaire with no clear cut good guy, bad guy, motivation or person to get behind. And at its worst, it admits that WWE sucks and needs to change. Prediction: Nothing changes.

John Pettibone: (Fantasy booking – CM Punk walkout with Shane) Shane-O coast to coast, Taker goes out on his shield.

WWE World Championship Match – Triple H (CHAMPION) vs Roman Reigns:

Browne: Triple H because Triple H. Reigns has no shot at getting over ever unless he keeps that underdog thing going. The boos keep increasing at every show, but it’ll be disappointing to see this angle dragged out yet again. Something fresh needs to happen with the Authority, and something fresh definitely has to happen with Reigns’ character. He’s been booked more strongly than Ambrose, but the fans want what the fans want.

Karpuszka: Reigns will win and get booed, and Vince McMahon will wonder why. Reigns has been forced down everyone’s throats, and “smarks” recognize this and hate it. WWE is trying really hard to get Reigns over, and maybe they do it with this match. We’ll see.

Kerr: I do not give a shit about Roman Reigns. Every time I see him I think, “Wait, what is Robert Trujillo from Metallica doing on Raw?” Actually that would be pretty cool. Wrestling is metal as fuck (look what site we’re writing this for!) so they should have real metal bands at events or during promos. And none of that bullshit Sirius XM metal either. We should have fat disgusting death metal bands like Disma or Demilich. But anyway, yeah, Roman Reigns isn’t going to be a thing. Sorry Vince. But I think this can be salvaged with one drastic move: THE RETURN OF DONALD TRUMP TO THE WORLD OF PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING. In the greatest twist in both WWE and world history, it is revealed that Trump’s entire presidential campaign has actually been a fundraiser to purchase the WWE. Trump assembles Vince, Roman Reigns, and everyone else I don’t give a shit about at the ring. He grabs the mic, ready to speak, but then pauses. He contemplates before dropping the mic without uttering a word and looks toward the big screen, where two words are revealed as the crowd chants along: YOU’RE FIRED. As Trump exits the arena, an advertisement is simulcast across the entire country promising to Make Wrestling Great Again.

Panico: Who is the good guy here? Is it the guy a multimillion dollar corporation pushed down your throat? Or the son-in-law of the guy you are supposed to hate who buries talent on Monday and raises them back up on Wednesday, like some kind of wrestling King of Kings? Does anyone even have the Money in the Bank suitcase for this, so I can come out seeing a different person win? Man. I don’t know. Prediction: I fall asleep.

John Pettibone: Roman gets booed, Rock shows up, RR turns hot heel on Rock. Rollins shows up and curb stomps HHH off top rope and takes his belt back.

WWE Women’s Title Match – Charlotte (CHAMPION) vs Becky Lynch vs Sasha Banks:

Browne: Sasha Banks (technically). She’s the fan favorite right now (going by crowd reaction), and Becky hasn’t been booked strongly enough pre-Wrestlemania. Charlotte has been champion for a while and is starting to get some heat, which may see her take the belt home to further antagonize the rest of the Divas. So, let’s go with Ric Flair cheating Sasha out of a win and Charlotte retaining.

Karpuszka: Charlotte retains with help from The Nature Boy.

Kerr: I actually met Sasha Banks when I did stagehand work for NXT a while back, and she was nice really nice, so I want her to win everything. That’s it.

Panico: If it doesn’t happen in Japan or Mexico, I generally do not and will not care about women’s matches. Unless Japanese talent is involved, so I’ll enjoy seeing Asuka kick Bayley in the face. For all I’ve heard about a Diva’s Revolution, I have not seen it. Again – show me, don’t tell me. Prediction: I get a beer. Again.

John Pettibone: Sasha is my boss and Eddy Guerrero frog splashes for the win.

Three-on-Four Tag Team Match – New Day vs League of Nations:

Browne: I Love The New Day! They haven’t been defined as heels or faces, but we all know the crowd loves them. So it’s important to keep the division exciting and give them a bit of an underdog disadvantage. I have a feeling they will keep the actual match short and deprive us of some solid wrestling, but at least the intro will be exciting. EAT YOUR BOOTY-O’S.

Karpuszka: Going with New Day.

Kerr: The New Day is the best thing to happen to the WWE in probably a decade. I honestly don’t even want them to wrestle. I just want them to come out on the mic and talk shit for the entirety of Wrestlemania. Also LoN should get the hell out of here with their stupid comic book hero coalition name and start feeling the power of positivity.

Panico: I don’t get the New Day at all. It feels like a too-cute gimmick with no legs against a xenophobic ’80s gimmick. The real winner here is Alberto Del Rio, who gets a fat paycheck for not doing anywhere near what he’d have to do in Lucha Underground or AAA. Prediction: I get a beer.

John Pettibone: League of Stiff! I do love E’s suicide dives and splashes on end of apron though. Bring in Enzo and Cass fella…

WWE Intercontinental Title Ladder Match – Kevin Owens (CHAMPION) vs Sami Zayn vs The Miz vs Dolph Ziggler vs Sin Cara vs Zack Ryder vs Stardust:

Browne: This match has the potential to be extremely entertaining. A ladder match alone on paper is highly intriguing. Kevin Owens should win this match. He’s a good heel and is doing well carrying the belt. He’s also hilarious when he’s messing with Byron (Saxton). I’m sure it will come down to Owens and Zayn having a staredown in the middle of the ring with the feud continuing to a rematch at the next PPV.

Karpuszka: This is the match that could steal the show. I can see a lot of crazy and brutal spots happening. Owens and Zayn had some crazy ladder matches back when they were in ROH together, and there’s some great chemistry there. So I’m looking at those two to do some intense stuff. Owens leaves as champion.

Kerr: I’m going for either Stardust or Dolph Ziggler. Stardust because I truly want to believe that he’s an interdimensional space demon or whatever, and Dolph Ziggler because he has one of the best ring names I’ve ever heard. Kevin Owens is just fat BUT he can talk mad shit so he’s got that going for him. Ultimately I hope Stardust takes it because, like I said, wrestling needs to get MORE ridiculous.

Panico: Kevin Owens did a promo saying he wanted to steal the show like Steamboat vs. Savage. Then they added five albatrosses (albatrai?) to this match and Sami Zayn, who my wife likes because he comes out to ska. I have no idea why I should care about one single person in this match. Prediction: Kevin Owens.

John Pettibone: Did you ever think a Steen/Generico ladder match would ever happen at Mania? Stoked!!! The rest are just collateral damage! But Ryder getting his moment is cool.

WWE US Title Match – Kalisto (CHAMPION) vs Ryback:

Browne: Not feeling this match at all, but I think Kalisto will win this. He’s been getting the rough end of the storyline, so it’s seeming like Kalisto will prevail. Praying that this is the end of this storyline. It’s not helping Ryback, and it’s not really helping Kalisto as a singles wrestler either. Does he talk? Expect Sin Cara to make some kind of appearance.

Karpuszka: A big clash of styles here, which could make for a good match. I like Kalisto in this one.

Kerr: I do not give a shit.

Panico: I can guarantee that Ryback fucking loves Pantera. It seems like he needs the push better than Kalisto. And a big guy always beats a little guy in the land of the giants. Prediction: Ryback.

John Pettibone: Kalisto is gonna get the stiff kicked into him… Poor guy.

AJ Styles vs Chris Jericho:

Browne: AJ Styles 100%. Typical feud which is done to make the other competitor look good. It will still be decent to watch, but predictable. Jericho has nothing to lose,m and Styles doesn’t have a very long shelf life at his age, although he is a terrific athlete. We’ll see some awesome spots, and hopefully it won’t be a rushed match.

Karpuszka: Chris Jericho is now known for working with the “younger” talent and putting them over, but Styles isn’t exactly a young dude. Still going with AJ.

Kerr: I give even less of a shit.

Panico: Remember when AJ Styles came out at the Rumble and people lost their fucking minds? No one in WWE creative heard that like you did. This will be a good match, but the special aura that it could have had is gone. Maybe Chris Jericho will borrow one of those feathered masks that Bruce Dickinson wears. Why? Because I’d think it was funny. Prediction: AJ Styles.

John Pettibone: Bullet Club invasion turn… Styles Clash off the top

Dean Ambrose vs Brock Lesnar:

Browne: This is probably my favorite match on the bill. I love Brock Lesnar, and Dean Ambrose is a badass. Dean Ambrose for the win, but I think The Wyatts will have a part to play. So will those weapons! It would be cool to have some veterans there giving Dean a hand. Brock will always come out looking like the monster he is, and I pray Paul Heyman gets a good amount of mic time.

Karpuszka: This should be a fun match. After some extreme ultra-violence, I’m going with Brock as the winner.

Kerr: I’ve always liked Dean Ambrose, because I think it’s cool as hell when wrestlers wear jeans. However, there isn’t one person in the WWE roster that I believe could actually beat Brock Lesnar (UNLESS THEY HAVE SUPER POWERS). They built him up for so long to be the Final Boss of Wrestling, and they’ve had to think of every contrived plot point they could just to make it so he isn’t the reigning champion forever.

Panico: So Terry Funk gave Dean Ambrose a chainsaw. The finish? They cut off Brock’s head, and he kills him anyways, reattaches his head and pisses all over the corpse of Ambrose, who can’t throw a punch to save his ass. Basically: imagine a Cannibal Corpse cover. That’s what I want this match to be. It will not live up to my expectations. Prediction: Brock Lesnar.

John Pettibone: Dean channeling his inner Moxley! This will be war! I need blood! Lights go out, Wyatts revenge!

Team Lana vs Team Total Divas:

Browne: Team Total Divas most likely. There’s not a whole lot to this match, but I figure they’ll get the victory so this feud can develop as it’s fairly fresh. And knowing creative, they’ll squeeze as many matches out of it as they can, especially with Lana involved. There will be no snack time with her decked out in wrestling gear, believe me.

Karpuszka: Time to refresh my drink and grab a snack.

Kerr: Lana because I want the term “Divas” to go away forever.

Panico: I can’t think of anything I care about less. It’d be like a Rob Zombie/Korn tour. Oh, they’re doing that, too? That’s how much I care. Everyone hates that girl with bright red hair because she can’t wrestle. Isn’t that being a good heel in 2016?

John Pettibone: Trainwreck.

Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal:

Browne: I think the Big Show will win this one. His monologue about how meaningful a second win would be seemed really sincere and heartfelt, and who knows? We can’t count out the fact that his body has been through years of bumps, and this is a way to bow out gracefully. Other than that, this is just a chance for everyone on the roster without a match to get some face time.

Karpuszka: Some NXT guys might get into the mix here, and that’ll be cool. No idea who will win, but they’ll likely get no push, and everyone will forget who won this match in a couple weeks.

Kerr: All participants attempt to drink as much beer as Andre the Giant would drink in one sitting. Whoever doesn’t die wins. (EDITOR’S NOTE: This makes me think of a wrestling version of “Who Poop Last?”)

Panico: I have a better chance of getting over as a result of this match as anyone in it. And I’ll be sitting on a couch drinking. So imagine how that will be. They’ve already proved that you can win this match, and it doesn’t mean shit twice. Here’s to wrestling working in threes. PREDICTION: Whoever is fattest.

John Pettibone: Social Outcasts for the fun of it

Usos vs The Dudleys:

Browne: Not that interested in this match. Both groups aren’t doing anything particularly special these days. I think the Usos will pull out the win, especially to a large crowd. Tables WILL be used. I could see some kind of guest appearance during this one with the Dudleys calling out the Usos legendary (and very large) family. This will be pretty dead if nothing special happens.

Karpuszka: Two pure tag teams squaring off. The Dudleys have nothing more to prove in their careers, so I see them putting the Usos over. Hoping there is a flaming table spot.

Kerr: This is still a thing?

Panico: This is still going on? I mean, for fuck’s sake, have the Dudleys put them through a table and win. If anyone is ordering the PPV for this match, I’ll pay for it, because I believe NO ONE is. PREDICTION: We order food during this.

John Pettibone: Bully turn and goes on solo mission.

For more on Wrestlemania, go here: http://www.wwe.com/shows/wrestlemania