Want another reason to loathe Metallica?

This week's special at the Jerk Store

Are you like me and basically want to disown any affection you ever had for Metallica? Can a band be more oblivious to what’s a good idea and what’s a bad one? Would you have preferred they cease recording new material after “…And Justice for All”? If so, get ready to punch yourself in the face, for that photo above is no joke or Photoshop bit.

Obviously the rumors had been out there that Metallica and giant prick asshole Lou Reed (who I may loathe more than Lars Ulrich, whose fat head I’d like to punch) were collaborating on a record, and Rolling Stone, the beacon of all that is wrong and hilariously misguided about music journalism called the pairing “a marriage made in heaven.” Right. If heaven actually was hell. Remember when Rolling Stone gave that last steaming pile of garbage U2 served up 5 effing stars? They’ll give this one 6.

So Metallica haven’t done anything wholly acceptable since 1989, and Lou Reed’s latest claim to fame is making people feel like garbage, treating attendees like worthless cretins at his “art exhibits” (yes, I have proof) and giving snarky interviews where he refuses to answer perfectly reasonable questions in Spin. Yeah, can’t wait for this one. If this thing goes live, it might be fun to see them all out-asshole each other. Well, except for Kirk and Robert. I’m fine with those guys. I wish they’d break off and do a real metal band and let James and Lars do some blues rock crap only meatheads will like. Come to think of it, that’s your basic audience for any new Metallica record.

I was speaking with my friend Sam about this, and he said, “Niko is turning in her coke-strewn grave.” I couldn’t have put it any better. This collaboration is like a bus falling on Cliff Burton all over again. What do you think THAT poor guy is doing in his grave? I mourn for him all over again.

If you really are a glutton for punishment, you can visit the coming-soon site for this crap right here: http://www.loureedmetallica.com/

I’d say a few words about Corey Taylor, his stupid book, his laughable book tour, that infuriatingly jackassical cover that I’m sure his minions think is proof of what a cool guy he is, and just about anything he’s ever done, but I don’t want to throw my laptop through my window.

3 thoughts on “Want another reason to loathe Metallica?

  1. I’m willing to be lenient and suggest that there are a couple worthwhile songs on the black album, but in my mind they all died in a fiery bus crash while they were on their way to make a bad MTV video. Metallica? Oh, wasn’t that tragic… so young… blah blah.

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